When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

Full of Insight
I was so glad to find this book. Seriously, it felt like someone dropped a brick on my head, the way it increased my clarity. I knew about “enmeshment” before, but I didn’t know exactly how it worked. This book explains the mechanics behind growing up where a child is taken into confidence, and ends up taking care of the parent’s misplaced emotional needs, instead of the parent taking care of the child. What it does to the child, what it does to the child after growing up, what it does to the parent…it’s all here… and it shows how the problem is subtle and sneaky.The author, Dr. Lane, has considerable expertise in this field of study. He has had success in treating the problem. He advances his message of there being a way out, with a series of examples involving men who manifest the issue in different ways, from womanizing to commitment-phobia to eternal adolescence, and more. It talks about the ways this problem can show up in a person’s life, from addictions to rage to financial failure. It explains why that is so. In the case studies, he shows the men confronting their inner conflicts in therapy, and what they had to surmount in order to come out in charge of their own lives. You may recognize aspects of someone you love in several of the men discussed. You can also flip it around and use the same ideas for women, who can also share this problem.I wanted to know what happens inside someone to create this way of living. Now I get it. I gained compassion from reading this. It took away my self-blame, and provided help in framing a stance in relation to what is going on. It points to action that some men will be able to take to resolve their issue. In the book, there is even a 63 year old man who was able to work through this problem, showing you’re never too old… there is insight here and a suggested path out of the woods. Thank you to this therapist and author.

Seems to be an Epidemic!
I have so many clients who, unfortunately, were raised by over-bearing, emotionally needy, or just single moms. Women who chose to be “single moms,” in the ’80s… or women who were abandoned by the father’s of their sons… or women who focused all their attention onto “the pride and joy!” For whatever reason, when women turn a son into a “best friend,” “a confidant,” “a comfort,” i.e. a husband, it has catastrophic consequences for the son… the man. I was married to a man whose mother “drop-kicked” her husband to the side of the road when she gave birth to him, so I know personally how crazy making it can make a full-grown man! And his wife. This book spells out the symptoms, and identifies the problem. Knowing the problem is the only a beginning. Finding a way to heal, will be take more than this book offers, however.

Helped me come to terms
I read the Kindle edition of this book after a recent traumatic breakup from a baffling and at times downrighttraumatic relationship. I saw my ex (and his mother) in many of the author’s cases/examples. I’ve spent hours,days, WAY more time than I should, trying to come to terms with what happened, but in the end, thisbook really explains everything. The strange and unusual behaviors, the feeling I had throughout that somethingwas just not *quite* right. From his overwhelming love-bombing in the beginning to his thoughtless indifferencein the end, and every crazy-making hair-pulling moment in between, it all makes sense now. The more I understand,the less weight I feel on my shoulders, the less I cry and the more I am starting to notice the world around meagain. Our nature, our purpose in life, is to be happy and content. I know myself better, though I’m sad thathe may never know himself, not truly, and may never want to. Certainly not while the love of his life (youknow who) is still alive. I ordered a paper copy of this book and am going to give it to him. Then I plan towalk away. I hope he reads it.

I have spent most of my life struggling to find normal, and sane. I thought I was broken, unable to get fixed, and succeed at anything in life. I was not normal, but I found out that neither was my brokeness, unrepairable. This book helped me figure that out. If you are a mother who has a boy child who seems lost and unable to find his way out of the maze, give him this book. You might have unwittingly created a huge burden for your son, by robbing him of his independence and free will. If you want him to survive well give him this book. Read it yourself first.

The title is a little sensationalist and dramatised, but we can forgive the author for this, and perhaps attribute this to the publisher!The book provides an aid for those who Adams terms as Emotionally Enmeshed Men, their partners and mothers, fathers and guardians of boys who wish to avoid parenting in an emotionally over-involved and harmful way.Written by a Clinical Psychologist, Adams nods to psychological theory – mainly attachment theory and systemic models of family functioning. It isn’t necessary for the reader to have prior knowledge of these theories/models as the author grounds important points within various case study examples taken from his years of clinical experience within the field. The reader feels guided and supported throughout their reading journey to understand a difficult and emotionally intense topic.For me it provided me with insight and better understanding of my partner’s relationship with his Mum. My partner has a controlling and manipulative mother. I couldn’t understand why he had to continuously call her, text her and run after her the way he does. I couldn’t understand why he was so fearful of her, and despite her criticism of him – why he continued to pander to her. I was in a ‘stuck’ position because I felt like the ‘other woman’ and I didn’t know what I could do (if anything) to make a change in our relationship. My partner’s mother has never met me but yet hates me, she doesn’t want to know anything about me or ever meet me. My partner’s previous relationships had all ended because his mother condemned them and disliked his choices in women despite never having met them. She insists that she has her son all to herself and clearly feels threatened by any woman her son has a relationship with. My partner developed depression as a consequence of this and I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t put his Mum to task and set limitations and boundaries within their relationship.I read the book in an entire evening, as it kept me drawn, interested, and was easy reading. I have learned that my partner is an Emotionally Enmeshed Man and his mother has had a primarily role in creating this. I feel that I have a greater understanding of his behaviours and the unhealthy relationship he has with his Mum. I now also know that its not his fault.Most importantly I now know what I can do to help – and also what I cannot/shouldn’t do to exacerbate the situation further.Now – after having read the book I have given it to my partner to read for himself. He now recognises that he needs to take action, and if he does not it will end our relationship.I hope that if you recognise some of the difficulties I have experienced that you get the book. It will open your eyes, give you hope, but also provide you with a dose of realism in providing you with options before making a decision to make or break.

Wonderful book if you want to understand the reasons beind the bahaviour of you loved ones who are overcontrolled by the mother. I was trying to fight for my husband with his mother for almost 5 yeas. The end was terrible. I wish all, who suspect that her man is too close to his mother have to read this book to eveluate if you are ready for this; and if you have enough patience to take it through your life of constant marriage of three: you, your husband and the momy, who always comes first!